My therapist said to me, “we are going to talk about things when you come in here… Yes I have a license, but as far as I’m concerned we are just 2 people talking through some things, going to figure some shit out.” Tell me that doesn’t sound like your friends from high school. So I’m thinking how cool is this?! Wayyyy cool! I know he isn’t my ‘friend’ but it’s cool that he sort of sets the vibe that way…makes it wayyyy easier to talk to him. And he doesn’t think I’m a lost cause. He said on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst that me and all of my problems combined are a 4 maybe a 5!! That’s good news. VERY good news to my ears.
As some of you know, I was hitting brick wall after brick wall with trying to find someone to accept me for therapy, partially due to crummy insurance, but also due to the fact that the during 2 weeks I’ve been in group I’ve discovered that there is this intricately woven web of issues that I need to resolve and move forward from. It’s like every therapist I called just didn’t want to take te time to help me with figuring out all my junk because as most of you know, what happens? You go in with one or two concerns and by the time you’ve gotten through a few sessions, you’ve discovered with your therapist that you really have like 10 things to work on… so I think they were looking at me with 10 things as the starting number and that they new we would discover more things as we worked together and they just didn’t feel like dealing with me. When it all started I was getting sort of hopeless because I felt like no one would ever accept me… Now I feel like I am exactly where I am meant to be–on the right road with a kindred spirit.
So….. Back to this homework assignment…..
I am supposed to cut the words ‘should’ ‘must’ and ‘need’ out of my vocabulary. Those words apparently denote shame and/or unwanted obligations. I am to replace those words with ‘wish’ and ‘want.’
I’m cool with that! 🙂 It’s going to take a little getting used to because it’s just habit for me to say things like “I should have grabbed an extra can of veggies from the store.” Now I’ve got to focus on what I’m saying and turn that into “I wish I would have thought to get an extra can of veggies.” Simple enough…just have to focus…
Now, for the kicker…
My therapist wants me to think about, and write out I’m guessing, what I want my life to both look AND feel like in 1 and in 5 years. Sounds simple enough… I can set goals for myself, right?? Of course I can! The part I feel I may struggle with is the ‘feel’ part. I get the sense he isn’t going to approve of me saying something like “I want it to feel like putting on my favorite pair of blue jeans,” or “I want it to feel cozy and snuggly like getting tucked into bed as a child,” or “I want it to feel like sunbathing on a beach in Maui, with my toes in the water, and a cold soda in a coconut with a little umbrella.”
UNFAMILIAR TERRITORY ALERT!!!
I’m not sure how to identify my feelings right now, much less what I want them to be in the future. Anxiety free-sounds great, happy-well who actually wants to be miserable(the answer here is no one), stable-not sure I know anyone who actual IS stable but most of us put on a good show about how stable we are…
So… I actually have to do a little research here and figure out what feelings I currently have because I know I don’t like whatever ‘this’ is that’s been going on with me. Then, I have to figure out the opposites of my current feelings so I know what I hope for the future to feel like for me.
I will keep you guys informed of my progress…
Wish me luck, I’m going to need it!!! 🙂